To Be in Love with Light
by LilLuminaryThings
Summary: Non-senshi AU. Declarations are made. Jealousy is felt. Its my first time publishing fanfiction. Tips are welcome.
1. Just a few tears

Disclaimer;I do not own Sailormoon or any other properties in the world really. I'm just enjoying playing with the characters. This is my first story so any advise would be helpful. Thank you and enjoy.

They had interrupted a very intense, quiet conversation between two of the most beautiful girls in the world.

Mamoru and Demande were walking into the Crown Arcade after their classes, looking over and quickly spotting Rei and Usagi in the usual booth in the corner. They were leaned over and it looked like they were whispering to each other when the boys made their way over. Demande sat beside Rei with a lifted eyebrow. Mamoru sat beside Usagi, which had become habit in recent months. She smelled of bubble gum and chocolate shake. The shake of course was sitting in its usual spot beside Usagi's elbow, mostly untouched for a change. Motoki wondered over upon hearing the sliding glass doors to the arcade open up.

"What kind of girl gossip are we interrupting?" Demande asked without seemingly remotely apologetic. Rei gave a quirk of her lips and looked slightly irritated at the interruption when she looked up. She locked eyes with Mamoru for a moment before Usagi blurted out the answer. "Oh? We were just talking about our first kisses." Her voice was bubbly and happy, not knowing that the answer would make Mamoru's stomach drop in a way that mimicked missing the bottom step. He managed to continue with his order with Motoki after a brief pause which he really hoped, in vain, that Usagi didn't picked up on.

 _Rei and Mamoru had dated about a year and a half back. They had been together for a month when Mamoru had tried to kiss Rei, she had turned her head so that his kiss landed on her cheek and told him that they were better off as friends. This attempt at a kiss was all the proof that she needed that they did not have the kind of sparked that she needed to form a lasting love. Mamoru had been rather childish about it for a few months. The rejection of his affections had hurt his pride a little bit, and so he had avoided Rei for a couple of weeks. One day she ran into him at The Crown, which they had started frequenting together when they were dating. She had sat down across from him - Interrupting a poorly going date. She looked him straight in the eyes, ignoring the girl beside her."So is this how you handle getting rejected?" She asked without any pretense. "Because, despite the fact that we don't have the chemistry for a "romance in the stars," she said with air quotes, "that doesn't mean that this isn't the type of relationship that would make us really good friends. Something I think you could use more of Mamoru..." She had a fire in her voice, which told him that being ignored would be the wrong way to go about handling the situation. It didn't stop Mamoru from having trouble meeting her eyes though. She was firm with him and it occurred to Mamoru that he hadn't put enough time in realizing how strong she was. Maybe it was worth putting some more time into getting to know her. So after a few more minutes of jaw clenching Mamoru had meet Rei's eyes and nodded. She was right, he needed more friends. He was alone more than even she was aware of._

 _A few months after their friendship had restarted; he had seen her hanging out with some other girls he had assumed where in her class. There were five of them hanging out in the big corner booth. They were all exceptionally beautiful in different kinds of ways. There was Rei, of course, who was always beautiful in a regal and unnervingly way. Rei had a piercing stare, which seemed capable of making you doubt that you should be allowed to exist. Beside her there was a blonde with long hair all the way down her back, tied up with a beautiful red silk bow. She was captivating the conversation, her loud giggles echoing across the arcade. On one side of the loud blonde was a quiet girl with blue hair and a book laid neatly in front of her, laughing with the others. There was another girl who was tall, her brown hair up in a ponytail. She had her arms on the table leaning in to the conversation, making motions with her hands, truly comfortable with her friends. On the other side of the loud blonde with the red bow, was the most beautiful girl Mamoru had ever laid eyes on. She also had long golden blonde hair that was up in two round buns on her head. Mamoru vaguely recognized her as a girl who'd thrown a paper at his head when she was younger. She had her arms around the girl in the middle calling her Minako, telling her how much she missed her when she was traveling. Mamoru wasted no time walking over to introduce himself, Rei had definitely been right, Mamoru needed more friends._

Mamoru idly wondered which parts of this story Rei had informed her bun-haired friend about.

Motoki brought over a small cake and a hot black coffee for Mamoru and a soda and sandwhich for Demande. They came here so often from University that Motoki really only asked out of habit. Mamoru and Demande loved the prices here, as well as the company. Demande snapped him back to the present moment when he looked at Usagi with a wicked little grin.

"Well Odango, who was your first kiss?" Usagi looked as though she hadn't been expecting that question despite her being the one to bring it up. A huge blush crawled up her neck, and Rei looked as though she had to suppress a giggle, moving her hand in front of her mouth, she seemed to be enjoying her friend's momentary discomfort. Mamoru grabbed his coffee in his hands, nursing it to take a sip.

She recovered quickly though, when she sheepishly asked, "Well do you mean boy or girl? Or just first kiss period?"

Darien did choke on his coffee with that comment, his eyes bulging a little at the hot coffee getting caught in his throat. When he looked up Demande, who also looked like he was suppressing a laugh, while Rei was handing him a napkin. Demande's glint returned to his eyes as he leveled his gaze at Usagi, a knowing smirked graced his lips.

"I didn't know that you batted for both teams. Gods you're hot. So who all have you kissed little bunny?" Demande was flirting. Mamoru felt a little bit of jealousy creeping into his belly, both at the idea of Demande being so brazen and at Usagi running around all over town kissing random people. Which he knew even as he thought it, wasn't fair or even true. He felt his jaw clench slightly as he finally looked up and over at Usagi sitting so close beside him. Her eyes locked with his for a moment, as though to ask if he was alright with her talking about this. When he didn't say or do anything after a moment, she answered Demande's question.

"Well, a couple of years ago I was really close friends with Hakura Tenou, the female all pro racecar driver." She was fidgeting with her hands, opening them up and moving one hand behind her head. "We were friends in our freshman year of high school. Anyways, she had invited me to one of her races and after she finished, first place of course, she leaned right over and kissed me. A couple of the local papers made a small stink about it for a few months, but ultimately it didn't come to anything. Hakura found Michiru, and they have been in love ever since." Usagi got a dreamy look on her face when she spoke of Hakura being in love making Mamoru's stomach flip. Her eyes sparkled, and her lips were parted and so pretty and pink. The big blue eyes so prominent, shone with such pleasure at someone else's happiness. Mamoru had known for a while that he was in love with her but moments like this just solidified the feeling in his heart. It also did wonders for making the jealousy that clenched in his stomach unravel. Usagi was something more amazing than she was aware of.

"And the boy?" Demande prodded, propelling Usagi's story forward, and moving to take a sip of his soda.

Usagi's blush did seem to deepen at that. "Ah, yes well you guys all know Seiya from the Starlights, right?" At this both of the boys choked on their drinks.

"You mean the famous pop idol?" Mamoru choked out."The super idol with all of the followers?" Demande said at the same time.

Usagi's face definitely turned red at their reaction. Rei was quiet with just an eyebrow raised, her demeanor the usual standoffish way she was so known for. "Well about a year and a half ago, when a friend of mine and Rei's, Minako, started touring with them, we were introduced. Seiya was very kind and we dated for a few months. But he's always on tour and got god only knows how many women throwing themselves at him. So we parted ways, but we're on good terms. We even talk quite regularly." She seemed to be rambling on for a minute. Rei kicked her under the table and gave her a warning look which made Usagi quite down.

"What about you, Prince Demande?" Rei asked in a kind mocking way. Changing the direction of the conversation and relieving some of the awkward tension that had built on the other side of the booth. Demande had no problem bragging about the many conquests that he has been involved in. He was quite the ladies man, it would seem, and he was rather proud of the fact. He was also quite proud that he was honest and up front about it always.

Mamoru on the other hand, was battling some serious self-doubt all of the sudden, making it hard to meet Usagi's curious eyes. He peered into his coffee cups as his mind raced. Usagi's previous boyfriend was a super famous idol? She had kissed both a famous and amazing race car driver and a famous and amazing pop idol? Where on Earth could Mamoru hope to measure up in comparison to people like that? He had plans and was working very hard in University to become a doctor. He wanted to be a healer, which he thought in and of itself was a noble cause, but even still those two had already established themselves and before they graduated high school even!

The unfairness of it all hit Mamoru as he listened to Demande rattle on about the different girls he had kissed throughout high school and college. Mamoru wasn't ugly but he had a hard time making real connections with people. Usagi had a way of bringing out the best in people so it really shouldn't surprise him too much that the best of people were attracted to her. She was like a ball of light in human form really. She was always so open and honest, that combined with her ethereal beauty. Mamoru was often surprised that she was real.

Mamoru had been zoning out as Demande had been talking so he was a little surprised when he felt the side that Usagi was sitting on getting warmer. She had scooted over a little closer to him, and moved to touch his leg with hers, unnoticed by the other occupants at the table, she was looking at him with concern in her eyes, and maybe a little guilt. Mamoru's eyes met her and gave her a small smile. She had taken a deep breath and looked as though she was steeling herself to speak when Demande interrupted their moment.

"Well Mamoru are you ready to go?" He asked. Oblivious as usual, Mamoru thought as he automatically stood up to follow Demande. "We have extra ball practice tonight girls. Don't get in too much trouble with anymore famous people Bun-head."

"You can have the cake Usako." Mamoru said as he motioned to the yet untouched cake sitting on the table. Usagi blushed again and nodded.

"Thank you Mamo." Her voice sounded a little thick, not the usual bubbly and happy Usagi that he was use to, definitely not as happy as a Usagi who just got a free piece of cake should be.

Mamoru only looked back to wave and noticed a small scowl on Usagi's face and Rei leaning forward. They had returned to their whispering conversation and Mamoru thought the look on Rei's face was as close to exasperated as she could get.

Ball practice kicked Mamoru's ass that night. Usagi sitting so close to him and her bright pink lips were all he could concentrate on, which was really not a good thing when balls were hurling at him at 80 mph, his head probably couldn't take much more abuse. He felt like her already pretty thick skulled, all the needed was a ball to knock out what little sense he could muster lately.

 _All he could think of was a few months back, when Usagi and the girls were out at the park watching one of his and Demande's baseball games. Mamoru knew that they were all there and was doing his best to show off while Usagi had teased him from the stands, but she did look rather proud when they won the game. They didn't win very often._

 _After the game, they had gone to The Crown Arcade for some ice cream. When they were walking back, Mamoru had volunteered to walk Usagi home. Usagi had not been paying attention to where she was walking and in her stroke of extraordinary bad luck tripped and sliced her arm open on a flowerbed by the sidewalk. It had been a pretty bad cut, from her wrist to halfway up her arm and Use was pouting. Mamoru decided to take her to his apartment, in part he probably still wanted to show off, he was premed in University and wanted Usagi to realize that he was useful and maybe a little handsome. It was a nice plan but not one that he had thought all the way through._

 _When they had gotten up to his apartment, Usagi was bleeding and red faced, anxious about being in Mamoru's apartment by herself, probably a little embarrassed by the fact that she had another klutz attack in front of him as well. She was distracting herself by looking around his apartment as he searched for the medical supplies in his kitchen cabinet. She made a weird face when she noticed that it wasn't very personalized._

" _Are you one of those minimalist types?" Usagi asked as she took a set on the counter by the sink. She noticed that there were hardly any decorations and no pictures up on any of the walls. Mamoru just shot her a look. "Or do you just not have much of a personality? I know that you have money. There's no way that your family could afford something like this if you didn't." When Mamoru didn't respond, except to roll his eyes, Usagi's eyebrows came together in a quizzical manner._

" _Hey, Mamoru?" She asked as he washed her arm off in the sink, trying desperately to distract herself from the blood and the feeling of his hands on her skin. He was doing his best to be gentle with her, touching her even just to help her made his heart do double time. Concentrating on what he was doing he just grunted in reply to her speaking. "Where are your parents at?"_

 _Mamoru froze, his fast beating heart all but stopped in his chest. He wasn't proud that his first instinct was to lie. He thought of all the stories that he had told to other people, long vacations or how his parents liked to travel. But as his eyes slowly moved from the cut along Usagi's arm to her face all of the lies died on his tongue. Usagi's big expressive eyes looked into his very soul and her face reflected the faith and trust she had in him. She seemed to guess that he didn't have rich parents that jetted around the world and left him here alone, so Mamoru decided on telling the truth, an unprecedented and unexpected move for him in this situation. He quickly moved his eyes back the medical supplies on the counter and her wound over the kitchen sink. He moved a stool over, in part to sit down to clean her wound and in part to help him collect his thoughts. Finally settling down on the stool, he picked up her arm again. Slowly he pressed some clean gauze into parts of her wound, trying to find the words he needed to explain._

 _Having something else to focus on also seemed to help him speak, "My parents died when I was incredibly young." He heard her breathe catch but didn't look back up at her face, not needing to see the pity. "There was a terrible accident, and they didn't make it. I don't even remember them or the accident really. Though I do have one picture of them in my bedroom, I have no real recollection of any of them when they were alive. Its part of the accident I was told. It's also the reason why I want to be a doctor. When I woke up they helped me, I was very scared and alone, and took such good care of me, I want to be able to do that for others." He stopped to take a deep breath, pouring some medicine onto the wound. She made a gasp and watched silently as he finished wrapping her arm up, "I've never actually told this to anyone before." He mentioned after a momentary pause, forcing an awkward laugh. He was done bandaging Usagi's arm so his eyes travelled up to her face, and was surprised by the concern he saw there._

 _Her eyebrows were drawn up and she cocked her head to the side, her blue eyes bright with unshed tears. "That must be incredibly sad and lonely for you, Mamo." Her voice was soft and she leaned forward, towards him wrapping her arms around his shoulders and pulling him close. Mamoru seemed to lose the ability to speak and so he just drew Usagi in closer, moving her to his lap. He never wanted her to move, or to leave. She could stay right where she was forever, and Mamoru knew it still wouldn't be long enough, she felt so tiny and wonderful in his arms._

 _After a few moments, they pulled away from each other. Mamoru felt very exposed in Usagi's gaze and the desire to kiss her was so very strong. "So Mamo?" was all he managed to croak out. Usagi slide down off his lap, her face going from concern to embarrassment at break neck speed. She stepped back and put her arm behind her head, like she usually did when she was a little worried about how she acted. "I like it, Usako." He mumbled, standing up._

 _Their relationship had changed that night as Mamoru had walked her home. It was small changes, they still picked on each other, and he'd call her Odango. She'd respond that he was a baka, but he also heard her call him Mamo more often, when they were alone or the others just weren't paying enough attention. There was a lot more teasing, the insults felt more like banter, made them both smile more often than it made anyone stomp off. It was the kind of attention that Mamoru had been going for at the start but had stumbled and made more antagonistic than he had intended, and it was true they weren't confessing their undying love for each other but the relationship was different than it had been before and Mamoru understood more what was Rei was talking about when she said they didn't have the right chemistry._

 _That had been a few months ago, there had been a few quiet close calls where Mamoru was certain something was about to happen but then nothing really did. He knew part of it was that he scared that he would lose Usagi. They had been friends for about a year now and he'd gotten rather use to and attached to the blonde Odango girl at his games screaming at him, and he more than enjoyed it when she was at the The Crown after he had a long practice or a bad day at school. She was there to brighten his day and he was there to help her study. He provided her a shoulder when she had a rough day at school and gave her solid words of encouragement when she failed a test, sometimes. Other times he'd tease her about it, he couldn't have her thinking he was going too soft after all. She came to some of his games and would tell him how proud she was of his hard work when he accomplished a goal._

So that night at practice all he could think of was small Usako still in his arms, her scent all around him and added to that the notion that maybe, even though there was attraction and mutual consideration and care, maybe just maybe he didn't measure up as good enough for her. She was younger than him. She was so open and honest, and true and small. Maybe this was something that shouldn't happen, things would probably be better and safer if they continued the way they were. But even just thinking that made Mamoru's heart sink in his chest, he wanted nothing more than to hold her, to explore her body and soul, to find a rhythm and build a life. Usagi kissing Seiya was also enough to actually get him to hit a ball for the first time that night.

Mamoru had spent a lot of time the next morning listening to music by Seiya and The Starlights. They were actually really good. He wondered though how many of the songs about a lost love were about Usagi. Minako was really good as well, and he could tell just from her music why she fit in so well with the girls and why Usa loved her so much. His ear buds were in, his iPod in his hand and Seiya's song about losing a girl with a gentle heart was ringing in Mamoru's ears when he turned the corner and saw Minako talking to Demande. That struck Mamoru as a little odd; Minako was usually touring and didn't really come around as often as Usagi would like or so he heard. They were whispering, their heads close together, when Demande agreed with a shake of his head Minako leaned back on her heels with her arms behind her back holding onto her bag. She had a wonderful smile and a twinkle in her eyes that clearly stated that she was up to no good. Mamoru felt his forehead crinkle as he wondered what could have drawn Minako into town and to Demande so unexpectedly. It actually took Mamoru a minute to notice that Usagi was standing back, leaning against a wall away from the two of them. She was biting on her lip, her Odango hair falling down her sides framing her face. She kept glancing over to Minako and Demande. Mamoru wondered if the blonde with the bow in her hair was interested in Demande, despite not knowing him very well and she dragged Usagi along for moral support.

It wasn't that Mamoru had any problems with Demande, besides Motoki, he had been Mamoru's friend for the longest time. When they were freshman in high school they had dated twin sisters, Beryl and Emerald. The girls were beautiful but on their own level of psychotic, which was not a fact that the boys had been privy to until after they'd been dating them a couple of months. The girls did not like it when Demande and Mamoru so much as looked at someone else, and they didn't really care too much for them to have friends but they didn't mind too much when Demande and Mamoru hung out. So after Beryl and Emerald had been accepted and went away to college, to both of the boys' relief, Mamoru and Demande remained close friends, their mutual interest and similar personalities kept them close through the years. They were both athletically inclined and had gotten into college on scholarships, and were both rather intelligent. Demande wanted to be a business man and Mamoru a doctor. Demande was much more social than Mamoru as well as a serious flirt, he didn't have any trouble getting girls interested in him, something Mamoru seriously hoped wasn't happening with Minako right now. He wasn't sure who that would end worse for but he was pretty sure that Demande and Minako could cause a lot of trouble if given the change. Minako and Usagi were long out of sight by the time Mamoru caught up with Demande, Demande just smiled at him and started talking about the Econ class he had next period, and how he was certain he was going to fail out of college because of it. Mamoru hummed Seiya's latest hit as he walked beside Demande.

Usagi was a coward, it really was that simple. She was a complete and utterly useless coward. That's the only way she could rationalize why she was hiding in an empty college classroom on a Friday evening with Minako, waiting for Mamoru and Demande to walk by after practice. Minako had invented a crazy scheme, as she was known to do, and asked a favor of Demande and practically had to beg him to get him to ask Mamoru how he felt about her. They had been discussing the details this morning; she had actually woken up incredibly early this morning so that she would be able to get to the college before Mamoru had shown up.

The insane plan was for her to wait inside the classroom that Demande and Mamoru walked by regularly, and Demande would ask Mamoru if he liked Usagi as more than just a friend. Sounded fairly simple, especially considering it was something Minako had dreamed up while on tour. It was not lost on Usagi that it was so simple that Usagi could do it herself if she could just work up the nerve to talk to him herself. She had been trying to work up the nerve the other day, when she was asking Rei about whether or not she thought Mamoru would be interested. Rei had started with telling her the only way to know what Mamoru wanted was to ask Mamoru, (a notion that Minako scoffed at) and then had been telling her about how Mamoru had gone out with her before but that they were better off as friends. Usagi admitted she giggled when Rei told her that she broke up with him after he tried to kiss her, she had planned on teasing him about it later but Demande had started questioning her about her kisses instead. Usagi mentally berated herself for that too, as she huddled closer to Minako who kept peeking her head out of the classroom trying to spy the boys. Usagi sighed as she remembered the conversation at the The Crown; she hadn't meant to discuss Seiya and Hakura. They were great but she was all too over both of them. She had been just about to say something to Mamoru about knowing who she would like to kiss next when Demande had reminded Mamoru that they had practice. Usagi cursed her cowardice once again. She had a crush on Mamoru since he had walked over so very calmly and introduced himself formally. She'd had a small crush on him since she threw the paper at his head when she failed her test in middle school but actually getting to know him and spend time with him in the past year had definitely intensified the feelings she had. Getting to know Mamoru took time, Usagi were her heart on her sleeve. Mamoru keep his hidden in an underground vault surrounded with landmines, and maybe a handful of booby traps. There were definitely booby traps, Usagi thought warily.

She heard more people coming down the hall, standing her for the past twenty minutes had put her emotions through a roller coaster. Every time she would hear people coming she would pull air in through her nose and hold it, excited and terrified. She'd grabbed Minako's arm so many times at this point, with so much strength, she was sure it'd be bruised. What if this was all one sided? What if he liked her and all but not like THAT? That would be devastating. Then the voices would filter through and it would be too girls discuss classes or some boys discussing their game earlier. And Usagi would let out the air she was holding in with a puff, her pulse slowly returning to normal. Minako would giggle softly, shake her head and poke her head out again. Finally she heard Demande's laughter, and heard some shuffling as they walked down the hall toward the classroom they were in.

"So tell me," She heard Demande speaking with ease, "were you surprised to learn that bun-head had kissed someone before?" Usagi's heart almost stopped, that was not where she wanted this conversation to go; it was definitely not a good start.

"She's a pretty girl; I'm not terribly surprised other people have noticed." Mamoru answered diplomatically enough. His voice was slightly guarded and Demande called him on it.

"Seriously though, Prince Mamoru, you are so difficult to read sometimes." Demande sounded a little exasperated, Usagi nodded on the other side of the door in agreement, against Minako's shoulder. Though she couldn't see it, Usagi would be willing to put money on him scowling right now. "Do you have any emotional investments in anything? Any human reactions?"

She heard Mamoru huff, "What kind of reactions should I have then Demande? Usagi and I are barely even friends; she can kiss whoever she likes." THAT was not really how Usagi had seen this conversation going. Barely even friends? She felt her heart shatter and tears unexpectedly welled into her eyes. Minako stiffened against her, knowing how invested and fragile her best friend was in this situation. Usagi was spiraling, she thought maybe he didn't like her the way she liked him but honestly it sounded more like he barely liked her at all. Was she just some pest that annoyed him? Just someone he put up with? Was he just nice to her because she was Rei's friend? She leaned more heavily against the Minako, and heard Mamoru say, "Why are you looking like that?"

It sounded like they had stopped walking right outside of the classroom, which made Usagi groan. She couldn't stay in here, the room felt all too small and too warm all of the sudden. Her face was too hot from holding in the tears that threatened to spill over. She was holding her breathe, trying not to let the pathetic sounds she knew she would make escape her. This was hell. The notion that she could get out of here without being seen, her dignity even slightly intact, was lost as Minako grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the classroom. Minako was dramatic as ever, when Mamoru's eyes widened in shock, as Usagi ignored him completely, staring directly at Demande. "Thank you, Demande, for your assistance." Minako's voice was brisk, barely holding in the anger that was evident in her squared shoulders. She looked over at Mamoru with disgust and shook her head.

"Are you okay, Bun-head?" Demande asked gently. He looked very sad and maybe even guilty for the first time the girls had ever seen.

Usagi just nodded, walking quickly past them with Minako pulling her forward and heading straight outside of the college doors. She glanced back at Mamoru, standing there like he'd been electrocuted in the spot. The moment she was out of eyesight she broke into a run, now pulling Minako instead, her legs moving as fast as she could run, heading straight for Rei's temple. She needed her friends right now more than ever.

Out of breath, tears still streaming down her cheeks, she ran into the Shinto temple and bowed her head and prayed. Minako had stayed beside her the entire time. Usagi and Minako walked arm and arm towards Rei's room. Rei took one look at Minako's guilty face, and Usagi's tear streaked one and rolled her eyes. She had told them that this plan was not something that would end well. But with a small sigh, she moved to the side and let them both in. Usagi needed Rei, so Rei held her and let her cry. Usagi's head was in Rei's lap, Rei's hand stroking her hair gently. She felt Rei moving, the screen lighting up Rei's face. After a while, Usagi finally stopped crying, still laying on the floor in Rei's room, her head never leaving her lap. Rei had given her a hot cup of tea in hand, a blanket over her legs and a manga beside her that she hadn't even bothered opening. Minako had been typing on her phone since that got into Rei's room, her brow scrunched in anger and maybe a little defeat.

"I never should have said anything about kissing people." Usagi muttered in defeat, staring at the ceiling. Her face hurt from crying, and her head felt heavy. "Do you think he was only ever nice to me because he wanted to stay friends with you?"

Rei pursed her lips and made a face, "It's not like Mamoru has virgin lips. He's got no reason to be acting like that." Her reply was honest and open, which Usagi had to admit she appreciated right now. It was also nice for Rei to be on her side for once. "Now, you should have just asked Mamoru yourself if he liked you. Demande maybe Mamoru's friend but even being Mamoru's friend does not mean that Mamoru will open up to you. He is a very guarded man." Rei scolded as Usagi hung her head, knowing that Rei was right, that sounded more like the Rei she was use to. "You and Minako should have listened to me for a change." Minako made a huffing sound from the corner of the room, putting down her phone and crawling over to Usagi laying her head on Usagi's belly. If Usagi was going to get yelled out, Minako would at least make sure she didn't get yelled at alone. Usagi absently minded stroked Mina's hair in her lap, at that time the door to Rei's room slide open once more and Ami and Makoto all walked into the room.

Makoto had a few bento boxes worth of snacks, cakes and chocolates. Ami carried a handful of books; some mangas and some studies. The girls lay on the floor and listened to Usagi's tale, their heart broke for their friend and the one sided love they presumed she now found herself in. Usagi cried a little more but still found that she incredibly grateful for the friends she had. She couldn't help but feel a little sad that Mamoru was all alone. Minako rolled over onto her side and sat up, scowling. "I wish there was something that we could do to make him regret opening his stupid mouth." Makoto made a motion, pushing her fist into her hand, very clear on her favorite method of vengeance. Ami pursed her lips, and looked down. She was use to having to be the voice of reason but she couldn't really find a way to defend someone who had hurt Usagi this way.

"You know the Starlights are going to be in town this week. Maybe we can meet at the The Crown, make sure Mamoru knows that you are going to be okay without his approval just the same. Plus when I got here I went straight to work and I would really like to see Motoki's butt." Minako said with a big grin as the girls giggled. Makoto, Ami, Rei and Usagi curled up on floor in Rei's room, giggling and talking into the late hours of the night. It was the weekend tomorrow, and Usagi needed the respite. A small sad smile played on her lips as the girls dozed off, Usagi's eyes traveling over their faces. When she looked at Rei she saw Rei was staring back at her.

"Are you okay Odango?" Rei asked, warmly.

Usagi shrugged, "My heart hurts Rei. I don't know why Mamo would say those things, but it's hard for me to believe that he didn't mean them. I care for him so very much though. I thought I had been a very good friend to him."

Rei scowled, "Usagi, you are an exceptional friend. You don't always apply yourself at your studies, but you are a bright and shining person. You have always been there for all of us when we need you. And for the record, I don't think Mamoru was just nice to you for me. I honestly thought Mamoru cared for you a lot."

Usagi reach out and held Rei's hand. "Mamoru's so..." Usagi's voice faltered and she trailed off, with a heavy sigh, more tears forming behind her eyes. Wiping them away she looked back at Rei, "I also don't really know if I like Minako's plan to show him I'm already so over it. I'm not. And I really don't know if I want to attract Seiya's attention back to myself. It took me months to get him to really understand that I was done the last time."

"Well Usa, as of today, at least some of that is on him." Rei stated very plainly, and then with a mirthless smirk she stated, "Besides, I'm sure Seiya could use the material for another bestselling album," Usagi scowled but held tightly onto Rei's hand as they both dozed off.

Mamoru wondered home slowly that day, replaying the tears that had appeared in Usagi's eyes as she ran away from him. He spent the rest of the night drinking until his mouth felt funny, his lips were a little too heavy to work quite right. Which considering how ill-used the words coming out of his mouth had been, it was probably for the best that his mouth wasn't working anymore. But he couldn't let everything sit the way it was, and cursing his cowardice at not having gathered Usagi's numbers before really wasn't helping. The only number he had was Rei's, slurring a million curse words under his breath as he struggled to put the letters together in a form that resembled words.

 **Is Usakooooo ky?**

He was slouched over his coffee table, resting his head on his out stretched arm. He phone sitting discarded in his beside his head. Beer bottles were strewn around the table, chucked beside the couch. Staring out the large windows let the fading light into his apartment. The silence was deafening, his apartment was empty and dark, and as he slowly realized that he hadn't turned on a light when he came home. He didn't have the energy or will power to do it now either. As he slowly drifted off to sleep he wrapped his hand wrapped around his phone, willing a text message to appear from the Gods, or Rei, that would tell him how to fix this hell he had made.

The next morning he woke with a massive headache and a horrible spot in his neck where he had slept bent over the table all night long. The sun light was punishing him, shining right in his hung-over face first thing in the morning. His phone had fallen to the ground in the middle of the night; there was a notification that took Mamoru longer to open than it should. He could see that it was from Rei but he was scared to open it, so he sat it down. He went and put on a pot of coffee, enjoying the smell of the brew as he went and changed clothes. Finally he gathered the nerve to open the message to see;

 **We Are Not Talking.**

It was short and to the point, and not at all helpful, as most interactions with Rei tended to be. But Mamoru knew that it was something that was to be expected. Actually upon reflection he should probably be watching his back until Usagi stopped crying or else he'd lose his life in some freak accident to a girl with some shade of rainbow colored hair. Knowing he had to wait for Usagi not be upset anymore also meant that he'd probably be looking over his shoulder forever. The idea of Usako being upset because of him made his heart clench, as he groaned and pressed the phone into his head. Sitting up, he went and got himself a cup of hot coffee. Walking out onto the balcony of his apartment, he stood looking over the town. It was a rather nice day, but for some reason to Mamoru it felt so much colder than it should. There was dread in knowing that the interactions that he'd become so dependent on were no so far out of reach. No more giggles over shared pieces of cakes, no more little touches and tiny jokes and mildly irritated but still ever so friendly and flirty banter. Mamoru felt his throat constricting tightly, sipping his hot coffee as tears prickled his eyes.


	2. Admission

As before, so now. I own nothing. This little story was just something that I had floating around in my head but Sailormoon belongs to someone else. It's a beautiful world to play in though. Thank you and enjoy.

Mamoru was in the back of The Crown helping Motoki clear off the boxes from the back as the as he ran his mouth. Motoki was Mamoru's best friend, after all of the years and all that they had gone through. Motoki was also still talking to him, which Mamoru really needed now. Mamoru had come in the middle of the day after hiding out in his apartment for two days avoiding all of the other people that inhabited Tokyo, to whine (if we're being honest) to Motoki about how unfair this whole situation was. After two days of feeling like the worst person ever for the tears in Usagi's eyes Mamoru's thoughts started to drift a little more towards a more indignant and comfortable answer to the problem. I mean, it wasn't his fault that he was trapped and tricked into a dishonest situation, asked a question he didn't want to answer by someone he was sure now that he shouldn't trust. Demande was the devil, someone who definitely could not be trusted he'd told Motoki as much. Almost throwing the box on the other side of the room with the little burst of anger he'd felt. This whole thing could have been avoided if Usagi had just asked him herself, this was the point he'd just made that Motoki was looking at him rather sheepishly, weighing his words carefully. Not breaking eye contact, Motoki talked slowly. "Now I'm not saying that Usagi shouldn't have asked you. I'm actually kind of surprised she didn't, she's usually so forthright and honest. It really kind of sounds like Mina…" Motoki sort of trailed off. Catching the slightly annoyed look on the dark haired man's face Motoki continued on, "But don't you also think that you would have had to admit it to someone at some point?" At this fairly obvious point, though Motoki looked at the other boxes in the room, slightly concerned, Mamoru though looked hard at the wall right behind Motoki's ear. "I mean, how did you think it would happen? You were going to just keep buying her cakes and you wake up one day, married and moved in together?" Mamoru spluttered a little at the accusation. "You don't even eat cakes, buddy." Motoki said in the way of an apology, with a small shrug. Mamoru leaned against a shelf in the smallish storage room, staring at the ground.  
"In my defense - it is Usako. If cake were enough to woo anyone it would be her." Mamoru muttered a half assed defense but really it was all that he had. Squinting his eyes, he allowed himself to wonder how he would have imagined it happening. Being caught in a hallway by a white haired man who asked him to confess is love through riddles and forward questions weren't really how he would have imagined it. "Why couldn't I have just bought her cakes until she accidently moved in with me? I can see it now, just slowly leading her down the halls in my apartment with cakes lined up to the doors, and then I'd just set up a bakery in my apartment." He spoke a little faster as he got closer to the end of the thought, shoving his hands in his pockets, wishing beyond hope that something like that would even be a possibility. Motoki chuckled, an almost sad look in his eyes. Rubbing his hands over his eyes, he went back to picking up the boxes, helping Motoki clear at the last of the supplies that had come in earlier that morning. All of the messes made were cleared up and Mamoru's spirits were a little bit better. "Demande is still the devil." He mumbled after a moment, to which Motoki just chuckled. Mamoru knew that all of the reasons that all of this went south were squarely on his own shoulders but a man could dream.

In retrospect it was incredibly short sighted, she reflected later, to go to the one place where they knew there was a good change Mamoru would be. The desire to get even was strong in Minako, and since Mamoru had hurt Usagi's feelings, and it was at least a little (a lot) her fault, Mina at least wanted to show Mamoru that Usagi could bounce back quickly. This was all a monstrous lie. Usagi was being a little more chipper a couple of days later but her smile wasn't meeting her eyes and she would get all quiet and space out if she was left alone for too long. Or if Seiya was talking on and on and on about himself, which is what he was currently doing now. Mina aimed a sharp, quick kick at him under the table, her mouth pursed as her eyes darted to Usagi sitting beside him in the booth. Rei, who was sitting in between her and Ami rolled her eyes, she hadn't been a fan of either of the schemes Minako had dreamt up. Rei liked Seiya well enough but this whole idea seemed to be a little too hair brained to be something that would end well. It also wasn't lost on Rei or Ami that the odanged girl's big blue eyes kept scanning towards the front door, and her eyes would lose a little sparkle whenever the dark haired man she was searching for wasn't the one that waltzed through the doors.

As Mina drew Seiya's attention towards Usagi, his eyes took on a sad note when he noticed that Usagi's interest wasn't on him. Throwing his arm over her shoulder, Seiya drew Usagi in close to his side, trying to hide the disappointment he felt when she never really relaxed into his side. A moment later, Seiya felt her fully stiffen and pull away. She darted up and out the door in under a second and the next second the story Seiya had been telling died on his lips as Usagi darted out of the booth after a man who had an ugly green jacket thrown over his shoulder. Seiya's eyes slid to Minako, who just looked a little sad and shrugged. Seiya also knew this whole plan was garbage to start with, and now he was staring at this soda and Usagi's milkshake and wishing he had brought something stronger to drink. Seiya had only been dumped once before, by Usagi actually, and he didn't like it then. He didn't really love it now but he had known it was a long shot. Usagi was always a long shot, but damn if that wasn't some of the fun of it. He'd half thought of chasing her but whatever was about to happen between his Dumpling and Mamo-baka, Seiya knew that it wasn't something that he needed to be a part of. Minako and the other three shot him a look but he shrugged; he'd done what he could, he wasn't that much of a masochist.

Mamoru had been in good spirits coming out of the back with Motoki, granted nothing had really been changed or accomplished but it was nice to not feel so alone. Mamoru's heart clenched at the realization at just how alone he was use to feeling. He did have a few friends and was well-respected, overall. An athlete and an academic prodigy really, he was well off but with all of that he didn't really think he was well liked. He was cold and distant more often than he should be, he knew he was good looking, if he weren't he'd been overlooked more often than he was. He worked very hard to be overlooked, attention made him uncomfortable. He was quiet, good at not really wanting anything more than what he could prove that he had earned.

Except…  
Usako.

The thought matched the girl setting in the booth towards the front of the Arcade, and Mamoru felt his heart stop. It's a concerning thing to feel your heart break and not all breaks are the same. Some are violent and explosive, others – this one – are more silent but they're deadly. It felt like his ears were ringing and breathing was activity he was no long sure he knew how to accomplish. Usagi was sitting in a booth, almost directly in his line of sight when he stepped out from the back, like she was placed there by cruel and uncaring fates, but she hadn't noticed him yet. Around her shoulders sat a man's arm, his long dark hair pulled back from his face into a ponytail at his neck, and his face laughing and carrying on as he told a story that made the whole table laugh. Everyone except Usako, Usako's face was sad. Usagi's eyes were glazed over, a small twitch whenever the door opened, and she'd glance towards the door, her eyes fluttering back sadly to her hands on the table top as she twisted them uncomfortably. Everything about her just looked sad to Mamoru, which didn't help his stomach as it plummeted down to his feet. He noticed that Seiya just kept talking about who knows or who cares what, not noticing the sadness in Usagi's face, but that he pulled Usagi closer despite it all, and at the moment Mamoru felt like he was floating in space. Nothing felt real, the tightness in his face as it heated up and his throat tightened, he felt his hands start to shake and before he could embarrass himself any further he grabbed his jacket from behind the counter. As he moved to put it on and try to slink through the front door, Usagi's sad crystal blue eyes met his own and widened in shock.

For a split second Mamoru felt his feet falter, caught in Usako's gaze and he almost mimicked an infamous Odango klutz attack, before his feet caught up with his shame and moved him forward and out the door. He needed to get space between them; he was certain before that any chance he would have had to fix this situation was slender but Seiya's arm around Usako helped slam home the fact that his chances were negligible from the get go. His throat was tight as he felt tears blur his vision, his feet carrying him towards his house on muscle memory. It took him a minute in his haze of self-deprecation to hear the small voice calling out for him from behind but she soon caught up with him and grabbed him by the wrist. Whatever she was preparing when she twirled him around and saw the pure and exposed pain on his face, her words died in her throat, and in her infinite mercy she grabbed his hand instead and led him down the street towards his own apartment.  
Her hand was small and soft, and tethered him more securely to the earth, he thought as he stared at their connected hands, his heart beating again in his chest a little more strongly than before or was strictly necessary, really. He couldn't stop examining the tiny little hand in his own, her pink nail polish chipped slightly from the way she had been messing with her fingers in the arcade. Her hair was following behind her, the blonde hair in sharp contrast to the dark shirt she was wearing and the light pink skirt that stopped a few inches above her knee. The smell of chocolate wafted off of her, Mamoru wondered lightly if she bathed in the milkshakes Motoki gave her. Or maybe she had just inhaled so many of them they'd replaced her blood supply. The thought made Mamoru want to chuckle, if the weight of the current situation wasn't cutting off his oxygen supply. As they came to the front of his apartment Usagi turned and looked up at him, motioning for him to enter the code and let them in. Which he did with a twitch of his jaw as he bit down and ground his teeth together, he felt like he was leading himself to the gallows. His executioner wasn't quite five feet tall and didn't look like she could wield an axe, but he wasn't stupid. He was well aware of the fact that any happiness he'd find in this life was dependant on what happened next. And he was even more thankful for her small warm hand keeping him grounded as he mentally spiraled. He opened his mouth six or seven times just trying to work up the courage to apologize, but all he managed was a groan once that reminded him rather embarrassingly of a dying animal. She hadn't let go of his hand as they stepping into the elevator, and he automatically pushed the number to his floor, squeezing her hand as he did.

The noise he had made and the squeezing of her hand brought her attention up to his face, and she gave him a small smile as she moved over a little closer to him. His throat still felt tight and his face was still a little red, but his tears had dried up as they walked. He still didn't really dare to try to talk but he did manage a small "Hey," which sounded more like a croak when it did finally come out. Usagi gave him a tight smile, which still didn't go all of the way to her eyes but seemed more natural than the one at the crown with Seiya. They didn't make any more noise as they reached his door and he unlocked it.

The light filtered in from the large glass window bathed his living room in a golden light, which Usagi walked right into after she took off her shoes. She didn't sit down though; it seemed that now that they were alone and in his apartment her nerves had finally caught up to her. Instead she stood in front of the couch, and then walked slowly over to the window, looking at Tokyo bathed in a golden light as the sun started to set. Turning towards him, she leaned her back against the window, turned her head a little to the side and asked, "Mamo-Chan are you alright?" She voiced sounded small and unsure, which was a new side of her Mamoru hadn't really seen before. In all the time that they had spent together, Usagi was also sure of herself; she was loud and bubbly and throwing caution to the wind.

Always.

It was almost a guarantee in life that she would come running into a room her blonde hair trailing behind her, knock herself and something else over, make a mess, scream and through her arms around whichever of her friends happened to be closest. Usagi could teach a class about how to enjoy each and every moment of life, because that is always what she did. To see her like this, so reserved and sounding so unsure, and to know that the reason for this was himself made Mamoru hang his head. The tears that he thought evaporated returned as his throat constricted again. He felt himself collapse on his couch and stare directly at the blank screen of the TV. He didn't know where he wanted to start. But all that he could think have been the truth was a good place to begin, so he said, "I've never been less alright, Usako."

He heard her breathe catch, and watched the doubt that played out as she moved to walk towards him but then leaned back against the window. Finally, she turned back to look outside and asked with more confidence than before, "Do you want to talk about it?" A question that's only response was Mamoru grinding his teeth again, and stare even harder at the blank television across from him. He heard Usagi's head thunk against the glass as she accepted that he wasn't going to answer, a small sniffle letting him know that his silence wasn't the right response. "I knew that you wouldn't be willing to talk on the street in front of everyone, but I was kind of hoping that you would be more willing to talk just you and me." Her tone sounded so defeated, and Mamoru felt his whole body tense in response. She was quiet for a moment, then steeling herself she walked over to in front of him and sat on her knees on the floor, placing her head gently on his leg and turning her head to look up into his eyes. She steadying her breathe as he moved his hands from his own head to the back of her neck, softly playing with the curls of her hair at the nape of her neck. She disarmed him with her familiarity and how well she knew him and before he had the sense to stop it the words, "Then why didn't you ask me if I wanted to be with you yourself?" His tone was accusatory, the little island of anger he'd managed to discover in this situation being the place he'd suddenly decided to firmly plant himself.

"Sometimes Mamoru-baka you're so much like a wounded animal, so skittish." She smiled as she looked up at him, he shot her a look, and this felt a little more like their normal. "I don't know if you're really aware of his Baka-san but I am also rather attached to you now. I didn't want you to feel compelled to tell me what you'd think I'd want to hear. I didn't want to ruin the friendship that we did have by pushing you into something that you maybe didn't want." She said forcing her voice to stay calm, which might have been convincing if she wasn't staring right into Mamoru's eyes, so he saw all of the fear that was coursing through her. She pulled herself back, sitting out of his reach as his hand settled on his leg, "Not having you around is worse than having your around as just friends. These last few days have been…" She faltered out, twisting her hands in her lap.

"Hell." He supplied. "These last few days have been some of the worst of my life." His eyes met hers as the hand on his leg slowly reached up to cup her face. Usagi's eyes were startled but became slowly more hooded as he slowly traced her lips. She leaned into his hand for a second as she suddenly she cleared her throat, her cheeks pink and stared hard at the ground by his feet.

"I can respect that maybe this isn't for you what it is for me, Mamo-Chan and if all you want is to be friends, I can and I will accept that." Tears formed in her eyes, and Mamoru's heart thudded to a dead halt in his chest, "But right now, I am rather mad at you and I need to know if you are ashamed of me. You were very negative about me having kissed someone before. I thought, at the very least," She murmured and shot him a look, "that we were friends; you shouldn't be so judgmental about me having been kissed before. There's no way you haven't been kissed. It's rude and hypocritical."

He felt something in him snap a little at the idea of Usagi being mad at him. Staring at the ceiling he felt himself laugh in a way that betrayed the dismay he felt bubbling up in his chest. "Usagi-san," He felt her pull up sharply at being addressed so formally, her eyes wide, her little mouth opened in an o. "I'm not a fool; I know that I don't deserve you. That was something that I was aware of before I knew that you attracted pro sport stars and pop idols. That really just drove the whole thing home. I'm not rich or famous, or well accomplished." Her eyes went from the floor to his face, searching to see if he was being serious. Even with the tears in her eyes, he could see the fire itching to come out. Her eyes narrowed, and she stood above him.

"How is it that you've decided all by yourself what I want and what I deserve?" She asked, her shoulders square, "The people that I've kissed before were wonderful humans that I'm still friends with," Mamoru made a scoffing noise, the image of Seiya's arm around her shoulders still fresh in his mind, Usagi's jaw clenched. "Jealous Mamoru?" She asked derisively, "Yes, Seiya and Hakura have kissed me and they're still friends, and yes they're very accomplished in their careers but you know what? I don't need to be with someone famous! That's not what I want out of a relationship. Yes, they're rich and well off, but I would rather have something that I've helped work for and help build. Being rich and famous that's not what I need. I need to be with someone who sees me, who knows who I am. Someone who challenges me and helps me grow. Someone who knows what my favorite kind of cake is, and will let me destroy their kitchen to make a romantic dinner, someone who will hold me when there's a thunderstorm, just someone who loves me, Mamo-Chan!" Usagi had been standing in front of him, her voice rising becoming more and shriller, her cheeks were red. She'd leaned forward, poking him in the shoulder as she accentuated different things that she did actually want.

Being called out in such a brutal fashion, his self-depreciation was so far off the mark, Mamoru felt something like delirium. Mamoru wasn't an idiot, he knew he had emotions. He usually just kept them tied up and hidden under his bed in an exceptionally tricky puzzle box, probably not the best way for dealing with things but then again they didn't really hand out classes for healthy coping mechanisms. But Usagi leaning over him, her mouth screwed up, still looking so damn beautiful. He felt a new kind of need, one that he had only really felt with her. His hand grabbed her wrist and pulled her down to him. His arms went around her waist, hugging him to her, her knees on either side of his legs. She was stiff for a moment, caught by surprise, in his arms when her arms went around his neck, a small sniffle pulling him close. She sighed into his shoulder, her head heavy on him as her breathe tickled his neck and his hands caressed the skin right above her knee. Pulling back to look into his eyes, she rested her forehead on his, "Mamo-Chan, can you maybe see how this isn't helping me decide what we are doing here?"

"Usako, I am so sorry," He started, worried that he wasn't sure where he was going with this, but knowing that hiding under his bed with these feelings would be a mistake. She relaxed into him more with his apology out, so soft and small. He felt his brain turn to mush a little as she did so. His heart hammered in his chest, as he felt the words brewing in his brain started pouring out of his mouth.

"I am in love with you and being in love with you is like being in love with light Usako, and I don't care about who you have ever kissed before. Even earlier today if that's the case," Mamoru said with a sad look in his eyes, but still he continued with a scowl "I am more mad at myself that I've never worked up the courage to ask you for a kiss myself, because I've wanted one for ages now. I've stared at your lips in my dreams." He admitted sheepishly, his thoughts coming out jumbled. Usagi tried and failed to suppress a giggle. She leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek, once on each side. He felt himself gulp and his mouth kept spilling words. It should be a crime how warm and soft her mouth was."You really are like being in love with light. You're so damn bright, Usako. You're warm and comfortable and love. But for me, it's like finding light after I've been living in the dark so long. It's everything I could have ever wanted, but it's a surprise. I wasn't expecting to find light there. And I know that there's no way I deserve of being in your light. I can't add to that. I'm carrying so much emptiness, Usako. I don't want to make you cry or hurt you, and I've done that already, I don't know how to do this right. But you bring my comfort Usagi; you carry my peace in your soul."

Her body pressed fully into his as her mouth covered his own, a full giggle escaping her mouth as she pulled back. Her hair tickled his arms, her eyes still had tears but her smile is finally reflected in her eyes. Something that makes Mamoru's heart skip forward in his chest, knowing that he has the power to make her smile like that, as he leaned slowly forward capturing her lips with his again. She did taste like chocolate milkshake. "So to answer the question that you still didn't ask," he said with more humor and than disdain, "I think I want from this the same thing that I hope that you do." Usagi's face turned a delightful shade of pink. "And I have never been ashamed of you Usako. You're the best thing in my life. I'd like to keep you there if you don't mind."

She kissed him again, nodding as her hands threaded in with his, scooting forward more and her hair tickled his face, all giggles and kisses. Things that we empty could be filled with light, especially light this strong, warm and bright. Usagi was light that was filling, Mamoru thought as he smiled from ear to ear. After a moment she stood up, pulling him up with her, grinning, "Hey Mamo-Chan," her grin turning slightly wicked, "Want to go get me a piece of cake?" Nodding, Mamoru wondered if putting in a bakery was all together out of the question.

(A/N – So I don't know if this is going to be where I end it or not. For now this is all that I have planned for this little story. I might work on a little bit of a tie up for the rest of the characters if anyone feels like that's something that they might like to read. As before, this is the first story that I've published so any kind of advice or constructive criticism is appreciated. )


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